You’d best give it back by next Halloween.
Simply having a wonderful murder trial.
Simply having a wonderful murder trial.
Now that’s better, isn’t it?
So, on to the news.
With all the pounding that goes on, it’s loud in Santa’s workshop every December. But it turns out the same sun cycles that brought the Northern Lights south this year have made it even harder for the elves to hear one another.
The result: While all knew he was trying to fill his cabinet with the highest quality toys, the elves were confused in the din as to whether Santa had asked them to make action figure who generally needs an attorney or an attorney general.
As many are aware, the whole kerfuffle ruffled feathers even among Santa’s best friends on The Hill, which houses the minimal quality control department.
Not to worry. As often happens in this festive season, the spirit moved one of those involved to report his findings to the tune of a favorite holiday song.
He’s a rotter, Mr. Gaetz,
a slimy, slith’ry slug.
His resume is funky,
There’s this thing about a girl,
His smile is very grinch-like
With a lower lip that curls,
The words that most discredit him?
They are, and I quote:
Congress … spat him … out!
As it is the world around, sports betting is causing problems at the North Pole. Wagers on the reindeer races have ripped through the work force to the extent that one elf wife told the shop’s online counseling service her first clue that her husband had developed a gambling problem when he asked her to change her name to Elizabeth …. so he could call her Betty. (Note: Don’t bother calling the Christmas Carol Column apologizes for nothing …. Not even this.)
Santa himself didn’t take the whole betting thing seriously until got an earful at the preschool where a girl who looked like Cindy Lou Who beckoned him over by calling him by whispering, “Hey, bag man.”
Jolly old St. Nicholas,
Lean your ear this way,
Here’s 100 on the over,
For playground fights today.
Suzy wants the Bengals,
Jamaal will take the points.
Efrem says a girl cries first,
Elise bets the boys.
Billy lost his pair of skates,
Linda her new dolly.
Braeden bet the Lego set
He won from dumb old Ollie.
Jeannie had a pack of smokes
Swiped from her old man
If you’ve any inside dope,
Tell me, if you can.
Shrinkflation has proven to be such a winning business strategy that football games are moving to Prime, cable companies renting out 30-year-old movies that have been free for 29, and Major League Baseball may be sending hawkers into the stands to sell payday loans to families interested in treating their kids to hot dogs and peanuts.
The good news is that it’s not bad news for everybody.
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why.
Billionaires are going to town.
They’re sucking up cash,
Investing it twice,
The Dakotas they’ll buy
If they get the right price.
Billionaires are going to town..
The kids in gold and wine land.
Will have a jamboree.
While more folks will be homeless
And need food banks just to eat.
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why.
Billionaires are going to town.
This final shopping tip: Those in the market for a fresh fragrance should stop by the perfume counter to pick up a holiday must. It’s a musk scent ingeniously spelled Elon with the same letters that spell noel.
Now, from me and mine to you and yours, so you can pass it on to them and theirs, Merry Christmas, happy holidays, Hannukah, Kwanza or whatever else puts a smile on your face.
P.S. If you’ve never heard Yogi Yorgesson’s I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas is worth a listen. It’s easily available online.
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