And when I found my neighbors unable to provide a consistent answer, I decided to stage an impromptu primary election.
As it turned out, no single day received the required number of delegates.
But there was a consensus that it is a middle-of-the road day, one ending in sday.
That fit my notion that it’s Coronoavirusday.
Which is likely to be pretty much every day for the foreseeable future.
I’ll remember this first one, though, as the day I began to think that, if the number of cases level off in 45 days, the White House might have time to bring its briefings up to the trust level of those given at the Ohio Statehouse – and only if Wayne Brady is hired as the new emcee.
Although events overtook us today, my wife and I started out with a plan.
On the advice of our investment guy, we decided to shop for a new mattress for our retirement savings. A plus, he explained, is that with our more streamlined portfolio, we could replace our king-size mattress with a twin.
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Always careful to cover all options, though, he explained that some of his clients are taking advantage of discounts on sleeping bags. The conversation concluded with news that ones with the air mattresses can be quite comfortable.
Alas, we found the doors of the mattress store locked and a note saying the sales of mattresses had been suspended because they can lead to improper social distancing.
So, on to the grocery we went.
There I found myself staring at the paper products aisle, where the shelves were so bare they looked like they had been prepped for a colonoscopy.
My first thought was that if this had happened in Jesus’ time, people today might celebrate the miracle of the facial and bathroom tissue instead of the loaves and fishes.
Then I began to wonder, why the hording of TP?
Maybe 50 years from now, the antiques shops by the Clark County Fairgrounds will be filled with rare unopened packages of COVID-19-era two-ply quilted Charmin – and family heirlooms of gently scented products.
In the end, I decided to adopt a positive attitude.
There can be no more robust expression of consumer confidence in food supplies than the hording of toilet paper that can be useful a day or two after the food’s consumption.
I have, in fact, appreciated the can-do attitude many people are adopting in the crisis – and particularly the advice mental health professionals have been giving us about stress-management in these chaotic times.
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My favorite example is the counselor who did a strangling role-play that involved a husband, a wife and a CPR dummy.
As the woman locked her hands around husband’s neck, the counselor said: “Now, take a deep, cleansing breath. But remember, don’t count to 10. Count to three or four – enough to let your rage fade — then relax your hands and give your husband a chance to take a cleansing breath as well.”
The role-play then moved on to the wife’s interactions with a CPR dummy (in case things went bad) and ended with an uplifting hug (between wife and dummy) to the audience’s warm applause.
In that same positive spirit, I joined my wife in trying to fill the void of closed schools by finding teaching moments in the extra time we’re spending with our two grandsons.
On his first day with us, instead of just doing it myself, I worked with the older one on how to release the handle of his scooter from the locked position. Building on that success, I advised him to rest his push leg on the back of the scooter after pushing so he could extend his glides.
He turned out to be a quick study.
That prepared us for his ultimate triumph, in front of the toilet, when the boy began aiming to please us.
His truly remarkable improvement in live streaming came after I called him upstairs yesterday to clean up what looked like a mess of lime Gatorade in the bathroom. Three days of mine own mopping up convinced me that he would be a good candidate for experiential learning.
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As it turned out, grandpa, too, was right on target.
As for the younger boy? Well, he helped me to sustain my positive attitude.
What could be more uplifting than waking up to a smiling, impish face with which to share a breakfast of cheese crackers and blueberry yogurt?
Despite his help, however, my attitude is beginning to sour.
And so, to my great surprise, is my wife’s.
To her great credit, she provided the older boy with three solid days of constructive playtime and cookie making. But on day four his screen time exceed that of the fly that died back in November wedged up next to our living room storm window.
The woman who has had enough patience to have lived with me for more than 45 years is, in fact, stressed out to the point that she’s engaging in two kinds of hate speech.
The first is targeted at the phone, which, in the improved age of 5G, has to be dialed three times before we have the chance to speak with our daughter about arranging for the children’s visits.
The first attempt doesn’t even result in a ringing sound. The second, though it produces a ringing sound, yields no voice on the other end. That usually leads to the third call being interrupted by an incoming call from our daughter. But by the time we answer it, we’re so frustrated all we can say is, “I’ll text you.”
The second source of her hate speech is the computer, a hatred in which I’ve taken an unhealthy pleasure. Although I don’t like to see her frustrated, her troubles with the computer have made me seem easier to get along with by comparison.
For those of you not experiencing high enough levels of frustration in this time of social distancing, mental health experts recommend Facebook. There, blood pressure spikes are accessible 24/7 by reading posts by the Seven Memes of Covid-19: Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Wired, Over-Caffeinated, Whiskey Drunk and Conspiracy Theory.
Still, I find myself at a loss about what to do next.
I hate to be negative.
On the other hand, over the years, my good intentions have repaved the road to hell as often as I-70 has been repaved from here to Columbus.
Which may mean I probably should just follow all the advice and shelter in place – both for my well-being and yours.
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