I filled this role once before — years ago — as a second job to get out of the house while writing from home. Not going to lie, it wasn’t my favorite thing. “Teaching” (occasionally known as “glorified babysitting” depending on the class) is way outside of my comfort zone behind the keyboard of a laptop.
But, hey, I raised three kids. Two are now in college (leaving the youngest to suffer at home as an only child), so why not have a midlife crisis?
In a moment of weakness, I reached out to the school administrators, “So, I might be looking for the perfect part-time job ...”
The response came quickly, “We would love to have you back.”
Things were set in motion: no more deadlines looming while doing laundry or taxiing my daughter to one of her many activities; Just a complete schedule realignment, what could go wrong?
I’m now weeks into said Second Career. About 15 minutes into day 1, I decided to start journaling the obscure things I’ve said and the … uhm … interesting things overheard from students. Much akin to what it was like raising toddlers.
For example, “There is poop in the stairwell by the shop.”
Followed by, “The poop in the stairwell is false. It is clay.”
Spittin’ straight facts.
I would not need a second career if money was earned every time, “Bro, bruh, or brah” was overheard.
“Yo, I need a pencil, bro.”
Slang truly does make English a difficult language to learn (and keep up with).
Oh, and, “Can you give me the answers?”
The audacity. I don’t like to be mean (my own kids might disagree with this), but the answer was — and is — a resounding, “No.”
However, no one wants to be the teacher students dread seeing in the classroom, so I try to keep things light and humorous, until it is impossible.
“I have three kids, you can’t scare me,” and “No violence; don’t choose violence,” have been necessary rebuttals, as well as:
“Unless you are willing to pay for a new laptop, I do not recommend doing that.”
“Don’t make me be ‘that’ teacher.”
“Stop throwing pencils!”
“You are 8th graders not 8 year olds!”
“We are watering the plants ONLY.”
“Is table graffiti a thing …?”
“Plants only! Put it down.”
“You are here and you are learning so you don’t have to be homeless later.”
“You are too young. He’s not worth it. Move on.”
“Nice try.”
“Hey, dude. You need to wake up.”
“Do you have a twin? I swear I just saw you.” (She did in fact have a twin.)
“Finish your work. You can hate school when you’re done.”
“You’re killin’ me, smalls.”
Students also like to vocalize their thoughts and sometimes they aren’t wrong:
“How does she walk so fast?” and “I’d hate to be a teacher and have to figure out everyone’s handwriting.”
The second time around in the school system has been a nice change of pace and also enlightening. There is so much diversity, such unique learning styles and opportunities, and it is never boring. This Second Career choice has so far been a good fit.
However, one thing will never change: “Don’t come at me with math, I’m a writer.”
Darci Jordan’s Motherhood, Part II is a repeating column in the Springfield News-Sun.
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