Avoid constantly repeating the same problem over and over. Talking about difficulties can actually make things worse, and contribute to a sense of negativism or depression. Frequently recounting your woes to others may tend to reinforce or even exaggerate the problem. If a child has a problem with a particular teacher, I advise the student not to complain to her parents every day, but rather to discuss the efficacy of various alternative coping strategies.
Be selective on when, with whom, and how you communicate your feelings. Avoid greeting your spouse at the door with the latest crisis of the day. Relate something positive that happened to you, or just give her a warm hug. Many times it's best not to vent when you are angry, but rather to calm down and try to figure out what is really going on.
Kids frequently want to reach out to their peers for support but I urge caution. Today’s best friend can be tomorrow’s social pariah.
I understand this puts kids in a quandary, as they may want to share experiences about a painful divorce or parent’s drinking problem. I’ve found that teachers rather than fellow students are a much safer connection for kids.
If you can't do anything about a problem, let it go. I worked with a preteen who was very upset that her biological father didn't maintain any contact with her. We discussed this for several sessions, and then I told her it was time to stop repeating the same stories. She could do nothing to change her father's behavior, so it was time for her to appreciate what she had rather than lament what she didn't.
Develop other coping strategies rather than venting. Acceptance, humor and positive reframing were all effective techniques for college students, and I've found the same approach to work with kids. I encourage kids to think differently about a problem, lighten up a bit, and learn to accept some things that cannot be changed.
Let’s continue to encourage kids to talk about their problems, but let’s also remind them that it is only the first step in actually doing something positive to get over them.
Next week: How to avoid another tragic scandal like the one at Penn State.
Gregory Ramey is a child psychologist and vice president of outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton.
About the Author